Twilight the 13th
by EverlastingTopaz
Summary: Social outcast Bella Swan is exiled to a cabin in the woods to spend a night with several classmates. Unbeknownst to them, a killer is on the loose - one with a taste for cliched characters and shakey plotlines. Complete and total nonsense; All-human.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**BPOV**

I'd never give much thought to how I would die. Oh, screw that − yes I have! With how accident prone I am, I ponder it all the time. In fact, sometimes, (to pass the time of course) I think of all the terrible things that could lead to my demise. I could die Indiana Jones style with a massive boulder hot on my trail, threatening to flatten me. Or maybe I'd die from eating way too many fluffernutters. Those things _were _too delicious for their own good − or my own good. In fact, I could eat one right-

"Bella!" Edward yelled, "Snap out of it and run faster!"

Oh yeah, right, sort of running from my death here.

Right on cue I tripped over a rock and landed flat on my ass. Edward kept running for a second, not realizing he'd left me behind. He ran to my aide lightening fast, but it was too late. The masked killer was standing right before us, machete in hand. I crawled crab style amongst the leaves back away from the lunatic. Edward dropped to the ground and got in the exact same position I was in.

"What the fuck?" I hiss at him "Aren't you supposed to be trying to save both of our asses right about now?"

"But this is always the position the main characters are in before something or someone rescues them, and I sure as hell ain't gonna be the one to save us."

What. A. Jackass.

We both scream in unison as the killer lifts the humungous weapon in the air to end this poorly written story once and for all.

**A/N: My first story (if you could even call it that). This is just a bunch of stuff that spilled out of my messed up brain. I've been wanting to write a story on fanfiction for a while now, so I thought I'd finally give it a whirl. I'll write more soon and post it if I get enough response to this "story". Comment please, and spread the word **


	2. Chapter 1: Fork My Life

**Chapter 1: Fork My Life**

**BPOV**

We were all standing in a line, very military-like: me, a dwarf, Barbie, the Hulk, some kid who looked like he had a broomstick up his ass, and…some other kid I couldn't get a good look at; the Hulk was in the way.

Mr. Molina our biology teacher was slowly pacing our orderly line, hands behind his back.

"Well, well, well," he said trying to sound menacing "Wipe those scowls off your pathetic little faces. You should be glad I'm giving you another chance after failing my class."

I didn't fail the class. Actually, I'd only been to one day of his bio classes. I was new to Forks High School and Mr. Molina made me agree to go on this stupid field trip so I wouldn't fail, after not being there for more than half of the semester. It was Saturday morning and I was missing my cartoons, damn it! _Not_ cool.

"Man, who pissed in _your _Wheaties this morning, Mr. M?" asked the big Hulk-like guy.

The teacher's face turned purple, he was so furious. "That's it, Mr. McCarty. You've ruined it for your classmates. I was going to take you all to Disney Land and call your grades an A, but now there's a change of plans."

Everyone gasped in unison.

"I wanted one of those Mickey Mouse hats so bad," he muttered dejectedly "Now I'm going to have to take you to the world's largest compost pile."

We all groaned and moaned and fussed like the stereotypical teenagers we are.

Suddenly, the spiky-haired dwarf next to me shot her hand up in the air. Why was she here? She didn't look like the type to fail a class. In fact, she looked pretty intelligent, unlike the rest of the morons here.

The teacher sighed, obviously annoyed "Yes, Alice?"

"I'm sure I speak for every student here when I say that I'm sure this field trip will be wildly interesting, and very beneficial." She smiled widely and presented the teacher with a bright red, shiny apple.

Mr. Molina grinned and as he did so, looked to the side and whispered something to himself. All I heard was "Christ" and "brown-noser". Then he said, "Thank you, Alice, but you know you don't have to be here. After I _begged _you not to come…After I snuck into your house and hid your car keys so you couldn't come here…"

Alice giggled. "What a little trickster you are. I ran here of course – in heels."

Mr. Molina chuckled like a mad man, and all of a sudden chucked the apple at her head. Alice fell backward with a soft thud, and the Hulk and broomstick boy carried her onto the bus.

About 10 minutes into the bus ride, Alice woke beside me. The teacher insisted she be placed in a cage, but settled for her sitting next to me instead, since no cages were available.

"Woah," she said "what happened?" She rubbed her head where the apple hit her.

"Um…you fell asleep," I lied.

"Oh, that makes sense. I _was_ up all night baking cookies with Mr. Molina's face on them, after all." She began to reach for her bag "Do you want one?"

"No, no, no, I'm allergic to baked goods laced with desperateness."

I looked over at her to see she wasn't paying attention. Her eyes were fixated on the blonde head two seats ahead of us. She had this dreamy look in her eye. It was really creepy−possibly even creepier than the look she had on her face while talking to our apple-hurling teacher.

"Ah, broomstick boy," I said. My face went red after I realized what I just said.

"What?" she asked bewilderedly.

"Uh…Batman toy…did you get one of those from Burger King yet?" I laughed nervously.

"Oh my God, _yes_!" she squealed. And she went on and on about her collection of fast-food restaurant toys for the longest time. All the while I was observing the odd looking boy that caught Alice's attention. He was reading a book, and after he turned a page, he set it down and squirted some ketchup into his mouth from a full-size squeeze ketchup bottle. I craned my neck over to see what book he was reading. It said, _Knife Wielding For Dummies. _What a weirdo. What the hell would a girl like her see in a guy like him?

"… and that's how I removed the Joker toy from my little brother's butt," she finally finished. She took a well needed big breath and turned to me. "So, what's your name again?"

"Isabella Swan. Call me Bella – Isabella makes me sound fat."

She gently shook my hand with her own delicate little one "Charmed. I'm Alice Brandon, student-body president and drama club president."

I could definitely see her as the drama club type. She _was _very dramatic.

"I see it as my personal duty to introduce you to every single student on this bus," she said proudly, then cleared her throat. Oh God, here we go…

"That scrumptious piece of man over there reading the book is Jasper Whitlock. We've gone to school together since pre-school, and he still doesn't even know I'm alive…" she trailed off, staring longingly at him. "I should've made cookies with _him_ on them. Then I could finally eat-"

"Okay, Alice! Who is that over there?" I asked, pointing at the Hulk who was now macking on the girl at his side.

"Emmett McCarty, beef-headed jock, which is in no way expected."

"And that girl with the long blonde hair next to him?"

"That's Rosalie Hale. She's head cheerleader and part-time Britney Spears −circa 1999− impersonator. Emmett and her are _together ,_together."

"Together, together?"

"_Together, _together. And of course you know Mr. Molina, the best teacher in the whole entire world."

He glanced up at us in the mirror above him.

"Hi, Mr. Molina!" she said to him excitedly.

"Lord, help me now…" he muttered, and went back to driving the bus.

"Who knew he could drive a bus," I said.

"I know. He's a man of many talents, and…well, him and Mr. Berty and pretty much the only teachers ever mentioned in this series. Never was there once mentioned a bus driver."

"That is _really _stupid," I comment.

"Isn't it? Plus, Mr. Molina doesn't even really exist. Mr. Banner, our real bio teacher, was for some reason left out."

We both stare at each other, thoroughly confused.

I turn around in my seat, searching the bus with my eyes for another person.

"Wasn't there someone else going on the field trip with us?"

"I thought so." She shrugs her shoulders "Oh well."

All of a sudden, the bus makes a weird noise and slows down until it comes to a halt.

"What the…" Mr. Molina says "I have a full tank."

The girl who looks like a supermodel named Rosalie gets up, goes up to the driver's seat, and leans over the wheel, looking. "You're out of gas."

"How would _you _know?" sneers our frustrated teacher. "Are you some sort of car expert, or something?"

"Actually, I do work on cars sometimes, but it clearly says right there that it's empty."

Mr. Molina's eyes widen. "You mean…compost tea doesn't serve as an alternative fuel?"

**A/N: It gets better, I swear. Please leave reviews :] It encourages me to keep writing. Tell me if I should continue this story, or not.**


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